Friday, April 13, 2007

Control the fun with RULES.

Our local residents' committee has, of late, become some kind of Orwellian nightmare, with every more prescriptive rules and regulations, that get progressively more petty. I am no longer allowed to paint my front door or put a chair on my balcony. They HATE everyone. But things went too far last weekend with the new barbecue regulations.
So tonight, under cover of darkness, I will be sticking this up wherever possible.

It has come to the attention of the Chiswick Village Committee over the Easter weekend that several people were observed enjoying the sunshine and using the communal green for having fun. In the light of this we feel it necessary to introduce these additional rules for the summer period.

1. Sunbathing
Anyone wishing to sunbathe must do so using a towel to protect the grass. Towels must be greater than 80 cm x 140 cm and have a minimum weft of 400gsm. Towel approval certificates are available from the Committee office. Alternatively you may borrow pre-approved towels from Draco between the hours of 04.15 and 05.30. (Flat #772). Pre booking is essential.

2. Barbecues
In order to respect our Jewish, Hindu, Muslim and Vegan residents we must request that no pork, beef, non Halal or any meat products at all, be used on communal barbecues.

3. Mobile Phones
Mobile phones are banned from the green. If you wish to make or receive calls, please position yourself in one of the designated communication areas to the South-West of the green (next to gulag 2).

4. Quiet Time
14:00 hours to 22:00 hours is designated quiet time. We stipulate that during these hours there is to be no conversation or laughing in communal areas. Whispering is permitted if pre-approved whispering privileges have been conferred via submission of form 118/bii to the relevant authorities.

5. Gambling
There have been persistent problems controlling gambling on the green and thus all card games are now banned. This is in addition to the ongoing ball game and racquet sports ban.

6. Books
Hounslow council has informed us that several library books have become a bit damp due to being read on the grass. Whilst we cannot confirm these books were read by Chiswick Village residents, to be on the safe side from now on the reading of any books is forbidden within the green area. Similarly due to unsavoury magazines such as “Heat” and “More” and left wing broadsheets being read, magazines and newspapers will not be tolerated

7. Children & Friends
This village green is for owner occupiers and rent payers only. As children and visiting friends do not technically fall into either of these categories, friends and resident’s offspring are hereby prohibited from entering the green.

Enjoy the summer everyone.



Anonymous GiantWeazle said...

With you all the way brother. If I was in the area then I would happily have helped.

4:51 PM  
Anonymous Jeffwoad said...

Hmmm, you seem like a NIMBY curtain twitcher.
There is a world outside your postcode.

6:07 PM  
Anonymous chiswick councillor said...

I feel compelled to write in order to take extreme exception to this crass portrayal of our honourable council as a load of fucking nazis.

1) the towel weft limit has never been set at 400gsm.....this is merely a proposal currently being debated by the lower chamber of the sub-committee of the worthy WACO (Weft Alertness Committee Organisation) within the hallowed walls of CCC. A result is pending, after a 2 week analytical retreat to Aruba. The suggestion that the rule has been set at 400 gsm is scurrilous in the extreme, and indicative of the kind of low quality reporting one has come to expect from the Chiswick Messenger (or the Chiswick Masturbator, as my intuitive and witty 7 year old grand-daughter has started calling it)

2) Much of this is true, and any meat cooked is subject to random 'pink' tests. Covert council employees may observe BBQ's, and if they see any deliberate undercooking in order to satisfy the depraved pink meat lustings of some primaeval men, meat may be confiscated, and taken away to benefit the sniffer alsatians of the local police.

6) The new law is not as draconian as my honourable resident seems to think: however, books must be suspended a minimum of 1 foot (30 new 'centimetres" above the potentially dewy grass) Again seasoned CCC covert operators (many ex special forces, I might add) are out there. Now.

6:33 PM  
Blogger smahman said...

Mein Gott! is that Dorothy?

7:46 PM  
Anonymous The Groundskeeper HM Hyde Park said...

Control the fun with rules. Your enforcement officers name isn't Fiona or Monica by any chance is it?

6:37 PM  
Anonymous Raymond Duck said...

I notice there is no mention of objections to the long held practice of summer cottaging on chiswick green. That's a 'relief'.

In recent years, I have felt compelled to continue my cottaging in such seedy environs as clapham common southside gents and my favourite 'part' of the Heath (which, i might add, is dangerously close to the 'fisting' zone.....that's a mistake a traditionalist such as myself won't be making again in a hurry)

I am glad to (kind of) be given the green light to resume my summer frolicking with frisky young things in my old haunt of chiswick. The holes in the wall are so much cleaner there. At least they were in 1974.

7:51 AM  
Blogger smahman said...

Fiona who? The postings got quite a good reaction - several people spotted with expressions slowly changing from disbelief to amusement.
I feel proud.

9:36 AM  
Anonymous GiantWeazle said...

Well done smahman. A modern day "Woolfy".

"Power to the people"

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Isla St. Clair said...

dorothy? fiona? monica?

you've got it all wrong.

i demand to have some credit, malvern hillbilly. i know who you are.

3:31 PM  
Blogger smahman said...

I don't know who you are and you are not welcome. This blog is for residents only. Rif Raf. Now clean my boots lackey.

3:47 PM  
Anonymous wincey willis said...

Residents of where? lah di dah SW lah? We're ALL residents.

I'll clean your boots with my PISS.

5:16 AM  
Anonymous Crow Crag said...

I'm playing you like a tired trout.

9:19 AM  

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