Monday, April 23, 2007

Oh there'll be a strike alright.

Went bowling on the weekend, and there was a kids party on.
You'd think "Yakketty Sax" would get wearing after the fortieth or fiftieth repetition.
It does.

Friday, April 20, 2007


From the greek you know - whore writing.
Anyway sorry to get your hopes up.

Thursday, April 19, 2007


A nappy stuck to a lampost. Niiiice.
Is that really a good idea young man?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Cor, its hot innit!

My chum Beardsworth made a dashed good point the other day. The green contingent have shot themselves in the foot a bit with this "Global Warming". The trouble being is that global warming sounds quite pleasant. The whole thing might be taken a little more seriously if it were called "Apocalyptic Heat", "Planet Death Scorch" or "Catastrophic Earth Burn".
Just a thought.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Control the fun with RULES.

Our local residents' committee has, of late, become some kind of Orwellian nightmare, with every more prescriptive rules and regulations, that get progressively more petty. I am no longer allowed to paint my front door or put a chair on my balcony. They HATE everyone. But things went too far last weekend with the new barbecue regulations.
So tonight, under cover of darkness, I will be sticking this up wherever possible.

It has come to the attention of the Chiswick Village Committee over the Easter weekend that several people were observed enjoying the sunshine and using the communal green for having fun. In the light of this we feel it necessary to introduce these additional rules for the summer period.

1. Sunbathing
Anyone wishing to sunbathe must do so using a towel to protect the grass. Towels must be greater than 80 cm x 140 cm and have a minimum weft of 400gsm. Towel approval certificates are available from the Committee office. Alternatively you may borrow pre-approved towels from Draco between the hours of 04.15 and 05.30. (Flat #772). Pre booking is essential.

2. Barbecues
In order to respect our Jewish, Hindu, Muslim and Vegan residents we must request that no pork, beef, non Halal or any meat products at all, be used on communal barbecues.

3. Mobile Phones
Mobile phones are banned from the green. If you wish to make or receive calls, please position yourself in one of the designated communication areas to the South-West of the green (next to gulag 2).

4. Quiet Time
14:00 hours to 22:00 hours is designated quiet time. We stipulate that during these hours there is to be no conversation or laughing in communal areas. Whispering is permitted if pre-approved whispering privileges have been conferred via submission of form 118/bii to the relevant authorities.

5. Gambling
There have been persistent problems controlling gambling on the green and thus all card games are now banned. This is in addition to the ongoing ball game and racquet sports ban.

6. Books
Hounslow council has informed us that several library books have become a bit damp due to being read on the grass. Whilst we cannot confirm these books were read by Chiswick Village residents, to be on the safe side from now on the reading of any books is forbidden within the green area. Similarly due to unsavoury magazines such as “Heat” and “More” and left wing broadsheets being read, magazines and newspapers will not be tolerated

7. Children & Friends
This village green is for owner occupiers and rent payers only. As children and visiting friends do not technically fall into either of these categories, friends and resident’s offspring are hereby prohibited from entering the green.

Enjoy the summer everyone.


Monday, April 02, 2007

Greatest spam ever.

Get this little people. I have been invited to the Pakistani Embassy in Berlin. This is good because it is - a. (bizarrely) a genuine invitation, and b. clearly spam.

Dear Mr (smahman)

I and my wife wish to invite you and your spouse/partner/friend for an informal dinner (Buffet) at our residence on Friday 13 April 2007 at 1900 hours. Kindly confirm if it will be possible for you to come. In case your spouse/partner/friend is not avaiable on that day you could also come alone. In either way it will be honour for us. Best Wishes. Our address is as follows:

How great is that.

I would go but fear being poisoned / strangled as a representative of the country that invented CRIKET. Plus I am busy that weekend.

chiz chiz chiz