Thursday, June 22, 2006

NTL RAPED MY DOG*

Not really, but they have seen fit to keep me on hold for 17 minutes - With shite music.

20 minutes.

23 minutes.

And after 27 minutes 33 seconds I have rid myself of my home phone line. If I had wanted to BUY SOMETHING it would have been done instantly.

Companies are such arseholes.

* with apologies to Doug Stanhope.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

On priapic pissing.

Having a wee with a bone on is always a little tricky. For years the lean forward - stand back - hold cock down technique has worked well, if not perfectly. What’s a few urine splashes between friends.

Well the other day I invented a new one. By slipping a softening dobber under the loo seat and sitting down like a gurly, once locked in place one should achieve 0 splashing.

Not so. What actually happens is a jet of piss shoots from the gap between rim and seat, across the floor, drenching both bath mat and calves.

There is no way to come away from that looking good.

Next time I will just wiz in the bath.