When.

The MET Office start predicting a "Barbeque Summer" you know it's time to start stocking up on tinned goods, raincoats and wellies.



A storm yesterday.

Long range forcasting is a tricky skill, needing vast modelling programmes, expertise and years of knowledge. I have none of these, but I do understand basic psychology.

Surely it would be better to predict a miserable summer every year, then when you are inevitably right you look clever. If you are wrong no-one cares as they are all enjoying the hot weather.



Think on chaps.


353

I have no life.

Went to bed last night, watched a bit of telly, read a bit of book, fell asleep.
Woke up in the middle of the night, had a piss went back to bed.
On the way back caught sight of the alarm clock.
10.46

How did it come to this?

335.

As promised.

Brand New



None of Mum and baby until the mother is happy with her appearance.

Just so's you know.

I PROMISE to put baby pictures up tomorrow.

Grammer!

Look Waitrose done it proper.

You don't get none of that down Lidl.


It's a shame the manager was such a officious arse though. Gave me a right talking to he did. FOR BREAKING THE RULES.

Tedious little man. Well, back to Morrisons it is then.

Whiteleaved Oak.

Boom! we went to the pagan tree south of Malvern. It's pretty hard to find but cool. For Real!

People put all shit in it and that. See.

And on the way back we found the world's biggest prickle. Probably. Check it!

304

Overflowing with pride.

I found this.

Which I initially thought was gibberish, but no! Apparently, smahgirl was watching one of her DVDs with the Norwegian subtitles turned on and transcribing it for fun. I am so proud I could cry.
We must be the nerdiest house on the street.
What makes it even better is that she left the R out of NORSK.

299

This just in.

According to mrs smahman the letter E is 56 times more commonly used than Q. "I thought it would be higher than that"
Also according to mrs smahman, one can only a geek if you have a penis. FACT.

299

Not sure what's funnier.

The fact that someone wrote racial abuse about our Greek AP in the kitchen, asking him to stop smashing all the plates. Or that the head of HR called him in to ask why he was destroying company property.

293

A very senior member of staff.

Just spent some time acting out his favourite sexual positions. I love this company.

Yet more imperialism

Remember when hardcore porn was all European, now somehow it is all American.

How did that happen? All hail the McFuck.

290

For Danny.

An Iron Age hill fort in Malvern yesterday.

I want a brand new combine harvester.

They rock! Off to the Three Counties Show last weekend. An event filled with cheese competitions, sheeps, swollen pigs bollocks, and "I don't think you can know too much about ferrets really". A Ferris wheel to excite junior, Welsh longbow and coracle stands to excite me and muscley farriers to excite Mrs smahman, dirty girl.

mmmmm tempting
However even I draw the line at £350 for some medieval weaponry, especially as arrows are NOT included. Next stop the country pursuits village, and a fantastic display of falconry. "The interesting thing about the Harris Hawk is the female is more donimant than the male." I must use that phrase more often in everyday life.

Best of all:

"Now that was a great display of working shire horses, but next up is a lovely vintage tractor parade, which should be well worth stopping around for...."
.
.
.
"Hold that, the vintage tractors is cancelled because aparently earlier today someone broke into the tractor compound and stole all the diesel, so sorry that's your lot for today."

I love my home town.

289

Hot Dog!

Bosky got a new toy. She found it in the garden. She loves it and won't ever let it go.

But stone me! It has two carefully positioned burn holes.

Here.

And Here.

It seems she has found, or made, a bottle bong. Clever Bosky.

288

What have I created!

I am a geek. This is well known, but sadly I seem to have infected my wife. We were enjoying a walk last night along the ridge of the hills, when she went quiet. After a bit she told me that it was not worth driving the extra distance to Morrisons to fill up the green car, as the price differential with the local garage was not great enough to offset cost of driving the extra distance. It is however worth it in the blue car, which has a larger tank and runs on diesel.

That 86 pence is in safe hands. Look what I have driven *ahem* her to.

287

And where were you at 8 this morning?

I have been travelling for 8 hours. I have hefted my suitcase in and out of cars, up stairs, on and off trains and boats. I have lugged it through airports and packed streets. It has been my constant companion for over 1600 miles. I undestand you have taken on the difficult task of moving it to and from a lift, but, in the grand scheme of things, how much is that really worth? Put your hand back in your pocket sir.

286

Stealing the lead off the roof.

Come saddle my milk white steed,

I've seen much more than I need,

And I know that you won't heed the call,

So I've sprayed it onto the wall,

Thy damnation slumbereth not.

s

Creative Death.

More than a month and nothing AT ALL to say. I am getting married in a little over a week so to be fair I have been a little pre-occupied. Also I have put a baby in my fiance, WITH MY COCK. How clever am I? Do I win the battleship? Nothing else to report.

So, instead a quick aside from when I worked at a hospital and had to organise body parts for collection by students. This is fun when someone fiddles idly with a package on your desk whilst talking to you.

"So what is this anyway"
"An amputated knee joint"
"I see"
"Thanks for touching my bone"

And so forth.

And ALL my colleagues looked like this.

They would bring them out from surgery in bio bags and they are good to keep you hands warm on a cold winter's day.

282

And who the HELL are you?

Bosky has a new friend.

It lives in the mirror in our bedroom, and no matter how much she encourages it, won't come out to play. She finds this massively confusing, and keeps running into the bathroom that backs on to the mirror and finds it even more confusing that the strange dog isn't there either. It takes several trips back and forth to confirm this.

She can spend some time in front of the mirror making increasingly agitated noises.

It clearly doesn't help her addled canine mind that we are in BOTH the room with her and the mysterious other room AT THE SAME TIME.

However it could just be that she is extremely vain and keeps popping to the bathroom to spruce up.

272

Train Train!

Coming drive me round the bend.

What IS IT with train announcers. It's all very well telling me there is a quiet carriage where WE SHOULD KEEP NOISE TO A MINIMUM. But if you point this out loudly and at great length* at EVERY STOP it kind of negates the concept of having one.

*seriously 2 full minutes of drivel about safety cards, familiarize yourself with layout, available in Braille, snack carriages, station stops, STATION STOPS?!, the full list of station stops, quiet carriage location, smoking is banned ad nauseam. ect ect.

Is this a bet?

It never used to be this way, can it all just FUCK OFF from whence it came.

Danger!

I will soon be behind the wheel of this.

What I won for a weekend in a prize draw.

They probably think I am rich and will buy one after enjoying "the ultimate driving experience" and appreciating its balance and poise. A more likely scenario, is that the combination of my complete lack of driving ability, and very powerful car will result in it getting wrapped around a tree in a matter of seconds.

Get in!

271

Booooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrring!

I dreamt I had a small spot last night. That's it. That is the most half arsed pathetic thing ever.

I am having a blog breakdown so for everyone who has visited recently, here are some pictures featuring gummy children who have fallen through a timewarp from the 1970's, and selected people I actually quite like.

Caro & Ella

smahlady & smahgirl

Beardo looking rugged

All Ladies.

Boy in a box


Chris & Tina's tame monkey



Sethers - I failed utterly to get any of you or the two ladies - quick send me some.

Do I win the battleship? 269

Have you any idea?

How long I spent scooping faecal matter out and putting it in the bin before I was shown the error of my ways.

New Addition!

Check me out!

My name is Bosky/Pickle/Bubble/Pepper/Toffee/Biscuit/ etc etc etc and I am 7 and a half weeks old

265

It's Davos time again.

Davos, say smahman, is so unspeakably sordid it make me shudder.

Oh how I love this time of year.

262

Ever Noticed?

Kids start asking questions about the existence of Father Christmas and God at the same sort of time. About the age when they start to think rationally, although this could just be co-incidence.

"sit on my lap little one"

Now I am not a cruel man, so I lied to Junior when she asked.

I didn't have the heart to say, "no sweetie, there is no man with super powers who comes down from the sky to reward our good behaviour. All we get are the gifts we as humans give to each other, from decency and love". She will work it out herself in time.

Can you guess which one I was talking about - tricky isn't it?

254

A sad sad day.

After 10 years I had to get rid of this, the best car I ever had.

Never mind that the stereo was stolen years ago and never replaced.

Never mind that the speedo showed half the speed you were doing in kilometres an hour.

Never mind the interesting bangs from the back.

Never mind the dents and dings, (this is the good side believe me).

Never mind that the left door doesn't fit quite right, that the roof is a different colour and took a beating when that tree fell on it.

I will miss this motor.

For 200 bar Lee got himself a BARGAIN.

I should have put my foot down. Does junior really need a seat belt and/or seat in the back?

252

Cool - but not that cool.

This is the tree at the end of my road.

Check it check it! The streetlamp has created it's own tiny microclimate and its warmth has let a few select leaves enjoy an extended autumn. Poor leaves, harsh winds are coming and their days are numbered.

A wide shot in case you didn't believe me.

249

It's time to start RUNNING!

Has anyone seen THIS? It has been accused of being voyeuristic, abusive and immoral blah blah etc etc. For me it doesn't go far enough. Why has no-one commissioned "Hunting Fat Kids". Teary strops will never be as entertaining as sheer blind terror. Plus it would help them lose weight. As long as we use less than two dogs it would be nice and legal.

"On your marks tubby!"

Whilst we are at it, can anyone explain why these shows have yet to be made?

"Monkey Tennis" - Alan Partridge did have SOME good ideas.

"The Stocks Market" - Criminal chavs are held before a kangaroo court, and then put in the stocks in a marketplace for a day.

"Top 10 Nazi Sharks From Hell" - I see Channel 5 for this one.

"Changing Rooms" - ditto, just think about it.

"Celebrity Auschwitz" Given time, this will actually happen. Vanessa Feltz to win.

"Is your house where you live?" - LOSER!

"The Ex Factor" - Idiots on ITV bitch incoherently about former partners.

"Penal Corectitude" - Lifers compete to win their freedom, a penis enlargement and a career in porn.

"Saturday Night, Takeaway Ant and Dec" - Please

"What's Up Doc?" - Unqualified imbecilic idiots argue with the editor of the Lancet and head of the BMA as to why they should be allowed to become a surgeon. The most obnoxious and stupid carries out a live televised triple bypass.

"Great Undertakings" - Winner deals with the inevitable results of the above.

248

Welcome to my grim urban hell

Sunrise from the kitchen.

Fog on the Hills

Early morning in West Malvern

Oooh how I miss London.

246

Bullseye!

There is really nothing I can add to this.

Guess who is coming to dinner?

I dreamt I was over at the White Stripes' house for tea. We had pasta and red pesto and raspberries and cream. Meg had Raspberry Ripple. You have NO IDEA how disappointed I was to discover it wasn't real.

Q. What do Paul McCartney and Axl Rose have for pudding?

A. Lemon Meringue Pie.

It's funnier when Josie does it.

Still 244

UPDATE!

And immediately the record is smashed. One girl on phone 2 days later achieved 19 in a minute, averaging just under 1 "Like" every 3 seconds.

This may become a hobby of mine.

244

Like Linguistics

Two teenage girls sat next to me on the train jabbering away. As I have nothing better to do I slyly glance at my watch and have a little listen.

In 5 minutes they managed to say the world "Like" 49 times. What a great substitute for language! That's one "Like" every six seconds. Yes, I know I am a geek.

These two pleasant but slightly vacuous lasses are however infinitely preferable to the feral bunch of bastards that kicked lady smahman's wing mirrors off the other night.

241

Good Work Cover Artist!

I just read this.

It is a tale of human strength and resistance. Set in an unknown Northern village, it tells how, despite the oppression of an un-named invading force, the spirit can never be fully crushed from the beaten inhabitants. People endure, permanently and with dignity.*

They handed this brief over to the illustrator who thought, "hmm how can I best represent that?" Thankfully he didn't make this work from Nobel Laureate John Steinbeck come across as a cheap tawdry potboiler.

239

* Yes I know it was written in '42 and as such predates the Nobel prize, and is also anti Nazi propaganda. But let's be clear, he casts his net wider than that and is careful not to explicity mention who the two sides actually are, thus making a bigger, longer lasting point about humanity. No Cannery Row to be sure, but still pretty good.

Train a Coming!

Reading the economist on the train this morning, I drifted off to sleep. It has that sort of effect. I woke a bit later in the middle of a dream about buying a lovely house, to discover I had an erection. I must becoming some kind of capitalist whore.

Unfortunately it was fairly apparent through my trousers, just hope I didn't mumble anything about damp proofing in my sleep. Or extensions.

235

I bite my fist.

Went to look round a house the other day, and the rather elderly lady estate agent kept refering to cupboards and suchlike as Glory Holes. Let me say for the record RIGHT NOW, I will not and shall not have such things in my house. I would never be able to get searlyeditor to leave.

N.B. You have to be the cliche yet again my friend, being by some margin, the gayest (and filthiest) person I know*.

*I can't BELIEVE Matt didn't know.

Beyond the wit of any man.

We were watching this on ftn yesterday. I consider myslef a reasonably intelligent person, but cannot for the life of me work out what is going on with 3-2-1.

Yesterday people named fruits and vegetables for which they were rewarded with money, then there was a series of god awful "entertainment" a comedian, who wasn't and some pointless interminable dancing. After that people came on with a mystery item, said some words which Ted Rogers repeated about 8 OR 9 TIMES, then at the end they won a fridge.

What does it all mean?

When I was a child I remember liking Dusty Bin, but have no idea why. Apparently at its peak 16.5 million people watched this, which is not bad for avant garde surrealist theatre.

Please can someone explain it. Bullseye I understand - this is just nonsense.

If you don't believe me just read the bit about the WISHBONE!

229

GAS GAS GAS!!!

Larded up on curry last night and today my bottom is misbehaving. Begging the question what volume of flatus can a human make.

I have been thinking of experiments to discover the answer and they all involve discomfort and patience. One involves a giant syringe and another a complex water bath / beehive shelf arrangement.

It will probably have to be made to order.

Return of the FAT! (once again)

I have learn-ed (we all speak like that in the country) how to use my camera thingy now; to celebrate here is a picture of our pool in Bulgaria.

I may be 34 but I still find it amusing. Those lilos could be more amusingly arranged though.

Bulgaria incidentally has stunning scenery, friendly people, great weather and, with the possible exception of Russia, the most appalling food I have ever had the misfortune to eat.

Anyway, keeping with the theme lady smahman and I climbed a mountain last week called "Lord Hereford's Knob". Here it is on the right. It is bigger than it looks fnar fnar ect ect.

Note the fat man in the foreground trying in vain to hold in his gut, no idea who he is.

According to my aged parent, there is also one nearby called "Fan y Big" which I shall visit on my tour of slightly amusingly named places as soon as I get back from the Orkneys. I once discovered a street in Attleborough called "Slut's Hole Lane" but I cannot find the piccy.

Other plus points...

228

In your FACE danger penguin!

This is it!

I am off. A constant turbulent mix of emotions.
If anyone would like to join me I will be at Shackology in Chiswick for drinks on saturday.

It is here.

218.

Things I have learnt.

1. I am getting older and cannot keep up with young whippersnappers such as you might go on a stag do with to Bournemouth.

2. Bournemouth is filled with slappers.

Like this - well done for avoiding this one, Mr X.

3. And Jakers

Like this.

4. The exhaust manifold on a Go-Kart gets quite hot and is a bad place to rest your forearm.

5. It will always be good fun to shoot your friends up the arse with a paintball gun.

Mr X's identity remains a closely guarded secret. I will tell you for as little as £1 sterling.

215

1st July

No more fags in pubs. So apparently a lot of people will be giving up smoking this week. I suspect Britain will be a very angry place for the next fortnight or so.

Also, what will happen to all the ashtrays? There must be millions of them in pubs with no job to do. I hope they return them to the wild. Run free little ashtrays...

£305

That's how much it cost to get my car back after a slight parking indiscretion.
Things to note:
1. That's roughly double its value, not including the tax disk.
2. Fuckers.
3. They put the snide little man you have to deal with behind bulletproof glass so you can't throttle him.
4. The chap who actually takes you to your car is 8 foot 10 and made out of iron.
5. Fuckers

As my Far Eastern chum Rian said, and I quote...
"don't forget to tell me how a parking infraction ends up costing double what a policeman or civil servant earns in a month in Malaysia."

Well quite, it's rip off Britain. I wasn't inconveniencing anyone, I have full tax and a parking permit and use public transport most of the time anyway.

I cannot wait to get out of this stinking hole of a capital.

210

Question in this year's GCSE History paper...

Given the current situation in the holy lands, was Hitler not on to something? Discuss.

"Yooo hooo, hello boys!"

I thought, hang on - that's a bit racy isn't it.

Sorry, racist.

Oh dear, I am only 34.

You Belong in 1956

You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

What Year Do You Belong In?

Circle of Trust.

I have been invited to contribute on mi lady's blog.
I done a post and I likes it.

Those swines at the imdb removed my comment...

Heaven forbid anyone criticise Christianity. Literally. It is after all a system of belief which cannot be backed up, but yet is afforded some kind of mysterious exemption from dissent. If the Christians' system of belief by some miracle ;-) turns out to be true, Pullman will burn in the eternal fires of damnation anyway. Isn't that punishment enough? Here's an idea, how about you shut up and FORGIVE HIM, or did that tenet pass you by?

Is that really so offensive? I thought it was a valid point.

Fish Supper.

Took smahlady for a slap up sushi meal on Sunday night. She had no idea where we were going, so the fact that the first thing we saw when getting off the tube in darkest Ealing was a Harvester made my heart leap, and hers sink. "I booked you a table somewhere special darling".

The sushi place was top draw and it's reasuring when you are the only non-Japanese people in there. Always a good sign. Moving to the pub across the road afterwards made me proud to be British. The sudden shift from clean, fresh and polite, to drunken, smoky and foul mouthed brought a tear to my eye. And they say English culture is dead.

"Sodom and Gomorrah!"

For me though, the high point of the evening was coming back through Hammersmith at the exact moment the Pet Shop Boys concert ended and getting caught up in the tide of bummers flowing out the main doors. We could hardly move for shaved heads and tight t shirts, no cliche left out. Ooooooooooooooh I love you gay guys.

Plus I got checked out fairly blatantly on tube by a couple of handsome chaps, boosting my ego and amusing smahlady to boot. Almost makes me miss living in SE11.

206

I am Captain Barbosa.

Saw a young lass on the tube this morining, on her notepad she had written:

Introduction

Demo

Explanation

Action

Ooooh how I love that. It makes me miss the days when at every meeting we would commandeer the flip chart and fill it with meaningless ridiculous acronyms.

A-ction I-mage M-anagement and the like.

Sadly all my playmates have departed and the fun stopped. Honestly this place is running on such a skeleton staff it is starting to resemble the Black Pearl.

Me all lonely yesterday.

Movin' to the Country!

Gonna eat a lot of Apples and Pears. Well we are talking Worcestershire.

I saw that Sian Lloyd off of the telly on Tuesday.

Blimey she's tall.

202

Oh there'll be a strike alright.

Went bowling on the weekend, and there was a kids party on.
You'd think "Yakketty Sax" would get wearing after the fortieth or fiftieth repetition.
It does.

Pornography.

From the greek you know - whore writing.
Anyway sorry to get your hopes up.

Spotted!

A nappy stuck to a lampost. Niiiice.

Is that really a good idea young man?

Cor, its hot innit!

My chum Beardsworth made a dashed good point the other day. The green contingent have shot themselves in the foot a bit with this "Global Warming". The trouble being is that global warming sounds quite pleasant. The whole thing might be taken a little more seriously if it were called "Apocalyptic Heat", "Planet Death Scorch" or "Catastrophic Earth Burn".

Just a thought.

Control the fun with RULES.

Our local residents' committee has, of late, become some kind of Orwellian nightmare, with every more prescriptive rules and regulations, that get progressively more petty. I am no longer allowed to paint my front door or put a chair on my balcony. They HATE everyone. But things went too far last weekend with the new barbecue regulations.

VERBOTEN!

So tonight, under cover of darkness, I will be sticking this up wherever possible.

SUMMER RULES

It has come to the attention of the Chiswick Village Committee over the Easter weekend that several people were observed enjoying the sunshine and using the communal green for having fun. In the light of this we feel it necessary to introduce these additional rules for the summer period.

1. Sunbathing
Anyone wishing to sunbathe must do so using a towel to protect the grass. Towels must be greater than 80 cm x 140 cm and have a minimum weft of 400gsm. Towel approval certificates are available from the Committee office. Alternatively you may borrow pre-approved towels from Draco between the hours of 04.15 and 05.30. (Flat #772). Pre booking is essential.

2. Barbecues

In order to respect our Jewish, Hindu, Muslim and Vegan residents we must request that no pork, beef, non Halal or any meat products at all, be used on communal barbecues.

3. Mobile Phones
Mobile phones are banned from the green. If you wish to make or receive calls, please position yourself in one of the designated communication areas to the South-West of the green (next to gulag 2).

4. Quiet Time
14:00 hours to 22:00 hours is designated quiet time. We stipulate that during these hours there is to be no conversation or laughing in communal areas. Whispering is permitted if pre-approved whispering privileges have been conferred via submission of form 118/bii to the relevant authorities.

5. Gambling

There have been persistent problems controlling gambling on the green and thus all card games are now banned. This is in addition to the ongoing ball game and racquet sports ban.

6. Books
Hounslow council has informed us that several library books have become a bit damp due to being read on the grass. Whilst we cannot confirm these books were read by Chiswick Village residents, to be on the safe side from now on the reading of any books is forbidden within the green area. Similarly due to unsavoury magazines such as “Heat” and “More” and left wing broadsheets being read, magazines and newspapers will not be tolerated

7. Children & Friends
This village green is for owner occupiers and rent payers only. As children and visiting friends do not technically fall into either of these categories, friends and resident’s offspring are hereby prohibited from entering the green.

Enjoy the summer everyone.

smahman

200

Greatest spam ever.

Get this little people. I have been invited to the Pakistani Embassy in Berlin. This is good because it is - a. (bizarrely) a genuine invitation, and b. clearly spam.

observe:
Dear Mr (smahman)

I and my wife wish to invite you and your spouse/partner/friend for an informal dinner (Buffet) at our residence on Friday 13 April 2007 at 1900 hours. Kindly confirm if it will be possible for you to come. In case your spouse/partner/friend is not avaiable on that day you could also come alone. In either way it will be honour for us. Best Wishes. Our address is as follows:

How great is that.

I would go but fear being poisoned / strangled as a representative of the country that invented CRIKET. Plus I am busy that weekend.

chiz chiz chiz

197

Giant Weazle - this is for you.

And so is this.

Oh grow up!

As I staggered through the windblown snowy streets of West London this morning I spotted a middle aged couple in a convertible sports car wearing cowboy hats. They were wearing eleventy million coats as well.

It's not cool, it's cold.

"Much better in summer"

And everyone was mocking you.

And without a shadow of doubt...

The worst cover version of all time. What DID they think they were adding?

Lame Space Filling Post

I woke up this morning to the very wonderful Galaxie 500 cover of Ceremony.

I am Ian Curtis and I am dead now.

Dagnamit that is a fine cover. So instead of coming up with some decent content here is a short list of fantastic covers. Disagree at will.

Galaxie 500 - Ceremony
Johnny Cash - Hurt
When the Levee Breaks – Kristen Hersh
The Gourds - Gin and Juice
Jeff Buckley - Halleluiah
Wedding Present - Come up and see me…
Frank and Walters - Funky Cold Medina
White Stripes - Jolene
Be Good Tanyas – Oh Suzanna
Billy Childish – Jaguar and Thunderbird

196

Let's Have Somme Fun

I went for a weekend in the country, I do that sort of thing you know, because I am so very middle class. I got to hang out with my Aged Parent on her birthday and re-kindle an old friendship with my estranged canine chum Scrumpy.

And they say cats are bad...

Now she may look cute but this animal is a one bitch death wave. Stumbling through muddy countryside and hundreds of fallen trees despatching one partially killed animal after another really takes the edge off a nice sunday walk. But fair play to a Jack Russell for managing to catch an adult male pheasant, even if she wasn't up to finishing the job.

We couldn't even take the remains home to eat, in case we got spotted by the pheasant's former owner. Although I maintain we should have hung on to that rabbit. It was in short bloody, muddy and cold.

Malvern Last Weekend

And when we got home the roasted veg was all burnt.

On the plus side lady smahman really enjoyed breaking in her new welly boots. Jumping in puddles and mud all round.

I been busy.

Very Very Busy.

192

Seamless technological integration.

How long to buy 3 fruit juices and two bottles of wine? Couple of minutes, 3/4 at the outside.

A farcical notion. 15 at least.

"These do not work"

Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, Please enter staff ID code, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, seek assistance, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, verification required, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, please seek staff assistance Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, enter verification code, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, enter staff code Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again, enter staff code, Unexpected item in the bagging area please remove item and try again.

3 staff were needed to constantly remedy these issues on 4 checkouts. I personally think they would be better put to use hhhhhm - on tills? They would also be safer there, further away from the irate customers.

Well done Sainsbury's - Why does Tesco not have this issue?

Next time I will simply shoplift.

181

Boom Bang a Bang!

For hi-jinx on an airplane, train or bus please follow the following procedure:

Bring out your laptop computer.
Place it on the tray in front of you.
Crank up the computer.
Make sure the person sitting next to you has got his/hers attention at both you and the screen.
Pretend to be a bit stressed and dry the palms of your hands on your thighs.
Close your eyes and take a deep breath.
Now click this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

The Ranks of the Undead

The Sunday Times seems to have a policy of always having on their staff, at least one self interested, vain, vacuous, pointless posh bint, filling the column inches with endless witterings*. In the '90s this role was filled by admirably by Tara Palmer Tomkinson. Now I quite liked Tara, but I know many people who she sends into fits of incandescent rage just by her mere existence.
Since she left, the paper has lacked that one infuriating hack to get your blood up of a Sunday morning. Thank god then that Christa D'Souza has stepped up to the plate.
Christa D'Souza yesterday.

1661! Don't you kid yourself missy, I have seen artifacts from the British Museum in better nick. Still, she was jolly good in Star Wars.

*Yes I realise the irony of this, she can hate me back if she likes.

Spotted!

A man in Zurich airport with a longbow and a full quiver of arrows.

How do you suppose he got THAT through security?

Slip Slidin' Away

I enjoy sliding a car around as much as the next man, in fact mrs smahman bought me a rally driving course last Christmas, which was a blast. But even I draw the line at getting a car sideways on an icy mountain road, where huge drops are a prominent feature.

"WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!"
Sooooooo, the taxi driver in Davos who thought a rear wheel drive automatic BMW would be the ideal winter vehicle for precipitous mountain roads, needs to seriously rethink his strategy. Either that or get some snow chains.

The same also applies to my Brasher hiking boots which provided absolutely NO GRIP on ice, thus ensuring no more than 10 minutes went past without me flying face first into a snow drift.

Money well spent.

Bluetooth and Lies

I am well used to being the poorest person in the room, but when you are surrounded by billionaires it smarts a touch more.

"I could BUY you!"

We are all hanging out at the World Economic Forum in Davos, a very odd state of affairs. It comes to something when you are stranding at the bar next to the richest man in England.

And he wouldn't even lend me a fiver.
You turn the other way and Stelios is lounging by the piano - it's all very weird.

HOWEVER, I have invented a brilliant new game, simply set your bluetooth name to "Bill Gates" or "Bono" and then try and connect to complete strangers in the bar. In this scenario it is just about feasible that they might be hanging out here, and for the juvenile man jolly entertaining.

Right - I am off for a pint with Kofi Annan.

Nooooooooo! My weakest spot.

03342382228 Giantweazle

No posting for a while because someone has started a pun game. Clearly I find it impossible to resist. The fruits of these labours can be found here

What have I been Eating? Lead!

On the second of January I weighed 12 stone 3.

Last night I weighed 12 stone 10.

How can I have possibly put on half a stone in a week?

This morning 3 pounds had magically disappeared in the night. I do not and refuse to understand. Scales are clearly a thing only women can work.

I am going back to CURRY and BEER, which got me into this state in the first place.

Is it in the contract?

That WSM competitors must have silly names. Would the following please stand up...

Steve Bourgeois

Josh Thigpen

Luo Huangdong

And my favourite - Odd Haugen.

And the tears rolled down our cheeks...

Watched "The World's Strongest Man" on telly last night - always funny, sometimes unintentionally. I particularly enjoyed "Fingal's Fingers", where big men lift big poles and flip them up. The commentary was glorious: "there goes another finger! and another! but can he do four?" Mrs smahman and I, being grown ups, found this hugely amusing.

But our mirth knew no bounds when this man stepped up to the plate.


"Don't fuck with ME!"

173

What Fresh Hell is This?

Sooooooo. All the kiddies are not allowed candles in their Christingles any more in Chelmsford. Fair's fair, they have only been using them for the last 259 years without incident. This year for some reason they are VERY LIKELY to set their hair on fire.

As a confirmed atheist I can take or leave the ceremony, but where did it all go wrong?

The captain is drunk and the sailors have taken over the ship.

166.

Renaissance Man.

Hmmmmm. Maybe not, I seem to have a problem with control these days. Plus my left leg does not work.

This man says it so much better.

Sound!

I have just been asleep in the sound booth for 45 minutes. That's a good friday afternoon's work for you. But it's just *slightly too short to sleep full length.

An extra couple of inches would make all the difference.

If anyone can find a joke in this please let me know.

It must be Punday.

This just in...

Tractor fair runs out of steam.
Mine profits hit rock bottom.
New morgue faces stiff competition.
Foundations laid for egg factory.
Garden centre shoplifter insists "It's a plant".
200 prostitutes laid off.
Young thrusting entrepreneur starts porn business
Plumbing firm goes down drain.

164

This is where the party ends.

I know that politics bore you, but I can't sit here listening to you and your racist friend.
Is anyone really racist anymore? Apart from in a juvenile sense just to get a rise.
They seemed so nice as well.

160

And Behold - A Pale Horse

Reasons not to hang a hoody on the edge of the wardrobe.



1. When your girlfriend wakes in the night and sees the shadowy outline of a hooded man in the room and goes absolutely mental.

That's about it really. It took about an hour for my heart rate to return to normal.

It would have been less scary had my grandfather not died the day before.

158

So you want a job as an Indian Policeman?

But consider the written exam a little tough. So what do you do - take it with good grace. Why no, as a potential guardian of the Law, clearly, you run amok.

Van Man!

Moving house is rubbish. FACT. But you do get to have a van for a day, which is ace.

Let's 'AVE IT.

This allows you to:

1. Get a steak slice heated to the temperature of the earth’s core for breakfast, then drop it all down your trousers.
2. Drive like an arse.
3. Show your arse crack
4. Honk at girls in the street (WTMINA)*
5. Buy a load of porn (WTMINA)
6. Look down girl’s tops in the cars next to you (WTMINA)

So 3 then.

However the swines I hired from gave me a van with next to no fuel in saying – “bring it back at the same level”. Clearly they expect you to put in more than you need, then they get some for free. None of this full tank - fill it up when you return malarkey. So out of principle, I stuck a fivers worth in reckoning that would get me there and back.

Consequently I spent a nervous trip into town and back with the fuel warning light on constantly. But I made it – in your face Chiswick Van Hire.

Getting the wardrobe up three flights of stairs was another adventure altogether.

*WTMINA - When the missus is not around

STILL 154

As if by magic.....

The hole has disappeared. Now there is a suspicious looking hatch, and a drain.
You know, like the one in that show Lost that NO-ONE WATCHES ANYMORE.

Keep an eye on those scotchmen.....

Amelia Anne is at it again.

They have been digging a hole at the end of the road for ooooh about 8 years. No idea how deep it is yet but when I walked past today I SWEAR I could hear digeridoos.

This is part of the antipodeans' underhand invasion plans - you gotta watch em. New Zealand population of 3 million my arse, there are more than that in my office.

And another thing - those pissed Scotsmen that turn up everywhere. Faking it. FACT. Once they have enough in every major city, on a secret signal they will rise up and take over the world.

Don't say I didn't warn you when your kids are being force fed deep fried heroin.


See, this is what evil dictators look like these days.

154

Jellybelly!

Watching Animal House again the other day I was struck by a line by Dean Wormer. When he says "Fat drunk and stupid is no way to go through life" does he mean Flounder?


OR, vast swathes of the Great British public?

153

Patricia Hewitt you PIG!

This just in... Pictures at 11... So Patricia Hewitt eats INFINITY portions of fruit and veg a day. Now there are those who might consider that a bit excessive, especially hungry tear stained children asking "Mummy where have all the apples gone?". Inside Hewitt's big tummy that's where.


Patricia Hewitt yesterday.

151

Deres Dese Tree Fellers

This morning I found this in the road outside my house.

Not this actual one admittedly, I cheated and used an internet.

It is a Ginkgo leaf. Now I have never seen a Ginkgo tree in my neighbourhood and as far as I know they do not grow in the wild. So somebody must be distributing perfect leaves on the streets near my house. Makes a change from the normal kind of leaves sold round here I can tell you.

The ONLY explanation, given Ginkgo's properties of increasing bloodflow to the extremities is that someone is trying to make my hat, glove and viagra shop go bankrupt.

I shall keep an eye on this.

146

BOMB SCARE!

Only joking - it's good for morale.

Yesterday, upon noticing the steady accumulation of my clothing in the office, I collected all my items together in a big plastic bag to take home - clever. I then left THE LOT on the Piccadilly line - stupid.

If you see someone wearing a pair of vile swimming shorts, a limited edition Germany '06 t-shirt (sorry Al, I did appreciate that) and a black pac-a-mac, nab em. There were other items, most of them quite smelly.

What is perhaps most worrying thing about this, is that I clearly have, sorry had, the wardrobe of a tramp.

derderlerderlderlerderlder....situation

Really been enjoying these two, wonderfully silly. I love the sound of two grown men mucking around and getting paid for it. It's also wonderful how FILTHY they are for Dublin morning radio. Transport, Up North and C.H.I.P.S are especially good.


Thanks to Dick and Selena for that one.
143

Blimey!

I got bored of that really quick.

Oh Yes! Oh Yes! it's the great charleston contest!

Well actually it isn't. In the interests of propagating rubbish jokes, I shall be attempting to do one daily crap joke in the "My Wife" format until I *ahem* run dry.

So here goes - Day 1

My wife saw a terrible band in the far east.
Singapore?
Yes, and the rest were pretty shoddy as well.

I hope this sets the tone.

142

In the beat of the night.

I have a bad knee. I have ligament damage here, here and here, not to mention cartilage damage here. It hurts a lot, and I often wake in the night in great pain. It's fun - you should try it.

So you can imagine how happy I was when in a rare moment of undisturbed sleep, the lovely lass snoozing beside me rolled over, and with amazing anatomical accuracy, performed a perfect roundhouse kick to the most tender part of the joint.

Now I imagine the resulting screams could be heard in Azerbaijan, as I managed to deafen myself in the process. So to all my neighbours, their neighbours and anyone else in a 5 mile radius of chez smahman, I apologise profusely.

I don't hold it against her. I can't move to do so.

141

Hey! I am not kidding.

ONE DAY TO GO!



139

Miniature Thug.

This little grumpy face would one day grow up and find they had a number one single. BUT who is it? Answers on a postcard please.


Come on - give us a smile.

Oop Oop!

I did go to monkey world the other day, it was ace. There were monkeys and apes and lemurs. Favourites were the stump tailed macaques with their little red faces, but Orang Utans are still the daddy of the ape world - FACT. No piccies - sorry.

But best of all, due to my ongoing leg issues I was allowed to use a proper spaz chariot to get around the park.

If you go backwards down quite a steep slope and then engage full forward you come within a gnats whisker of tipping the damn thing up, which I found endlessly entertaining, as did junior who hitched a ride for most of the day.

For her (and secretly, me) it was the best bit of the day, even if our combined weight often slowed us to a crawl on hills.

A close second was trying to explain the workings of evolution to a six year old. WHAT! Granny's mummy nused to be a monkey!

132

Yaaaaaaaaar It be that time of year again.

The clock be tickin' Ah HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Pschyo Killer qu'est que c'est

This is Scrumpy. Not sure whether to be proud or disgusted.

I have raised a murderer.

128

Oooh the circles I move in.

I went to a wedding, and blow me down if the leader of the free world wasn't there. Still, old G.W. does a very convincing Welsh accent.

Types of Wind.

Stop that sniggering at the back. Today we have been learning about local winds. Sadly the Keanu is not listed. If you don't like it, you can Burga off.

Also, cheers cheers cheers for the new season of geek club, hosted by Jeremy Clarkson or something. Last night was a 125 pointer.

124

Intents Sex.

Camping makes me randy. FACT. But the combination of thin canvas and close proximity to others makes discrete sex a bit tricky.

So when I start pitching my own tent, the missus is having none of it, especially when the strains of another couple start drifting across the campsite, putting paid to my ”no-one will notice” argument.

I mean honestly! The chances of her actually having an orgasm are next to nothing, and I know I can keep quiet.

I try a different tack “If you don’t sleep with me, I will make really loud fake sex noise” After a period of contemplation she decided I don’t have the balls.

She was right. But I did have an erection you could see from space.

FACT

Glyn to Win.

This man had a wank in a condom on live TV and then presented it to Channel 4 employees as a gift .


He is legend - and should be rewarded with a king's ransom.
Pete will make a fortune anyway, I love him, but by golly I want this lad to have his day in the sun.

The Harridan must not win at all costs. I have enjoyed her, but now it is time for her to FUCK OFF.



Yes you, you horrible slapper.

Call me a cynic…Ok you’re a cab.

I saw a blind man at Tate Britain on Sunday, I am not sure how much he got out of that trip. But apparently Turner had cataracts, so for the partially sighted, a trip to the gallery could still be a blast. The Hodgkins must look stunning.

As an added bonus you can concentrate on what the art twats are saying. I love art twats, with their overly expressive hand gestures, and voice pitched slightly louder than necessary, to prove just how very clever they are to everyone in earshot.

I may know nothing, but at least I know I know nothing.

10 years ago in the Tate, a friend and I watched a couple stare intently at some heavy duty plastic builders sheeting taped to the wall, admiring the wrinkles, texture and play of light. After a couple of minutes musing, she went to read the little sign and find out what it was called - “Shop Extension”.

We had to leave for fear of exploding in mirth.

I also like playing the art game, where you walk around seeing how far you can push it before you are rumbled. My girlfriend hates it. As soon as I use the phrase, “in a very real sense” she walks off in disgust.

121

It's murder on the dancefloor.

At a wedding, a circle of people are showing off their HOT HOT moves. The second, the very second, I leap into the centre to bust my stuff I re-pull the ligaments in my knee.

The resulting agonised flailing might possibly have been interpreted as some kind of avant garde art form. More likely - I just looked like a prize tit.

I can hardly walk. Booze is the devil.

119

Pants!

Whilst hanging out the washing (I'm good like that you know) I realised the other half's pants are, by some margin, smaller than her 5 year old daughter's.

That can't be right can it?

Especially considering her bra can sometimes resemble a well known Eco attraction.


Are you going pick that up love?

N.B. she does NOT HAVE 3 tits.

108

NTL RAPED MY DOG*

Not really, but they have seen fit to keep me on hold for 17 minutes - With shite music.

20 minutes.

23 minutes.

And after 27 minutes 33 seconds I have rid myself of my home phone line. If I had wanted to BUY SOMETHING it would have been done instantly.

Companies are such arseholes.

* with apologies to Doug Stanhope.

On priapic pissing.

Having a wee with a bone on is always a little tricky. For years the lean forward - stand back - hold cock down technique has worked well, if not perfectly. What’s a few urine splashes between friends.

Well the other day I invented a new one. By slipping a softening dobber under the loo seat and sitting down like a gurly, once locked in place one should achieve 0 splashing.

Not so. What actually happens is a jet of piss shoots from the gap between rim and seat, across the floor, drenching both bath mat and calves.

There is no way to come away from that looking good.

Next time I will just wiz in the bath.

What the hell are they playing at out there!

It was fracas central outside my house all last night. Police cars, shouting, sawing, crash bang wallop. I imagined it looked a bit like this.

And in morning - NOTHING. Just one little broken pane of glass on the house opposite. Sometimes you just can't win.

77.

It's becoming an obsession.

One is a source of much joy to millions; the other is a slack jawed imbecilic harridan. Can you guess which is which?


76

Come Again?

If you play Grandma's Footsteps without Grandma, is that not simply a running race? To a Wall.

Advanced group dynamics indeed.

A True Story

Wittgenstein threw down his pen in disgust. “I hate doing my Tractatus Logico Philosophicus” he said “I want to play outside”.

"Not until you have proved its existence", said his mum rather tetchily. "Honestly, if you stopped twatting around with that beetle in a matchbox and got down to it, you would have finished by now, that is the case".

Wittgenstein sighed and carried on with his homework.

Meanwhile in the playground, Socrates was getting sucked off by an 10 year old boy. “I may know nothing” he said “but I know this fucking ROCKS”

The next few weeks are going to be hellish.

71

Weigh to GO!

Electronic bathroom scales are ace. Especially if you are a borderline Asperger’s case with scatological leanings.

For months now I have been weighing my poo. By really holding back I can do nearly three pounds of poo and wee in one go. I ROCK!

I shall be recording my poo weights in a kind of log book.

When I first tried this out at a friends house and declared proudly I had just done a one and a half pound shit, he thought I had weighed it on the scales rather than myself before and after.

Still not sure who comes out looking worse.

65

Fun in the Morning

My girlfriend’s flat backs onto the tube tracks and one of my absolute favourite things is to leap around nude as the trains pass. I like to think I am rewarding the eagle eyed commuter.

It’s really is tremendous fun but not when you get busted. It’s quite hard to explain exactly why you might be doing naked star jumps at 8 in the morning.

I like to exercise the mind as well as the body.

Sadly the drones of the district line have yet to cop an eyeful. I think I need a bigger cock, if anyone knows how to get one can they send me an email or something.

59

Next time I see Herring I will murder him.

Don't hold your breath.

This is most likely it.