Saturday, January 07, 2012

503


Happy new year.
Here is a picture of a train set.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Hello Again


this is a rainbow.
485

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

When.

The MET Office start predicting a "Barbeque Summer" you know it's time to start stocking up on tinned goods, raincoats and wellies.



A storm yesterday.

Long range forcasting is a tricky skill, needing vast modelling programmes, expertise and years of knowledge. I have none of these, but I do understand basic psychology.

Surely it would be better to predict a miserable summer every year, then when you are inevitably right you look clever. If you are wrong no-one cares as they are all enjoying the hot weather.



Think on chaps.


353

Monday, April 13, 2009

I have no life.

Went to bed last night, watched a bit of telly, read a bit of book, fell asleep.
Woke up in the middle of the night, had a piss went back to bed.
On the way back caught sight of the alarm clock.
10.46

How did it come to this?

335.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

As promised.

Brand New



None of Mum and baby until the mother is happy with her appearance.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Just so's you know.

I PROMISE to put baby pictures up tomorrow.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Grammer!

Look Waitrose done it proper.

You don't get none of that down Lidl.


It's a shame the manager was such a officious arse though. Gave me a right talking to he did. FOR BREAKING THE RULES.

Tedious little man. Well, back to Morrisons it is then.

Whiteleaved Oak.

Boom! we went to the pagan tree south of Malvern. It's pretty hard to find but cool. For Real!
People put all shit in it and that. See.

And on the way back we found the world's biggest prickle. Probably. Check it!
304

Friday, August 15, 2008

Overflowing with pride.

I found this.

Which I initially thought was gibberish, but no! Apparently, smahgirl was watching one of her DVDs with the Norwegian subtitles turned on and transcribing it for fun. I am so proud I could cry.
We must be the nerdiest house on the street.
What makes it even better is that she left the R out of NORSK.

299

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

This just in.

According to mrs smahman the letter E is 56 times more commonly used than Q. "I thought it would be higher than that"
Also according to mrs smahman, one can only a geek if you have a penis. FACT.

299

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Not sure what's funnier.

The fact that someone wrote racial abuse about our Greek AP in the kitchen, asking him to stop smashing all the plates. Or that the head of HR called him in to ask why he was destroying company property.

293

Thursday, July 03, 2008

A very senior member of staff.

Just spent some time acting out his favourite sexual positions. I love this company.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Yet more imperialism


Remember when hardcore porn was all European, now somehow it is all American.
How did that happen? All hail the McFuck.
290

Thursday, June 19, 2008

For Danny.


An Iron Age hill fort in Malvern yesterday.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I want a brand new combine harvester.

They rock! Off to the Three Counties Show last weekend. An event filled with cheese competitions, sheeps, swollen pigs bollocks, and "I don't think you can know too much about ferrets really". A Ferris wheel to excite junior, Welsh longbow and coracle stands to excite me and muscley farriers to excite Mrs smahman, dirty girl.

mmmmm tempting
However even I draw the line at £350 for some medieval weaponry, especially as arrows are NOT included. Next stop the country pursuits village, and a fantastic display of falconry. "The interesting thing about the Harris Hawk is the female is more donimant than the male." I must use that phrase more often in everyday life.

Best of all:

"Now that was a great display of working shire horses, but next up is a lovely vintage tractor parade, which should be well worth stopping around for...."
.
.
.
"Hold that, the vintage tractors is cancelled because aparently earlier today someone broke into the tractor compound and stole all the diesel, so sorry that's your lot for today."

I love my home town.

289

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hot Dog!

Bosky got a new toy. She found it in the garden. She loves it and won't ever let it go.

But stone me! It has two carefully positioned burn holes.
Here.
And Here.

It seems she has found, or made, a bottle bong. Clever Bosky.

288

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

What have I created!

I am a geek. This is well known, but sadly I seem to have infected my wife. We were enjoying a walk last night along the ridge of the hills, when she went quiet. After a bit she told me that it was not worth driving the extra distance to Morrisons to fill up the green car, as the price differential with the local garage was not great enough to offset cost of driving the extra distance. It is however worth it in the blue car, which has a larger tank and runs on diesel.
That 86 pence is in safe hands. Look what I have driven *ahem* her to.

287

Saturday, May 24, 2008

And where were you at 8 this morning?


I have been travelling for 8 hours. I have hefted my suitcase in and out of cars, up stairs, on and off trains and boats. I have lugged it through airports and packed streets. It has been my constant companion for over 1600 miles. I undestand you have taken on the difficult task of moving it to and from a lift, but, in the grand scheme of things, how much is that really worth? Put your hand back in your pocket sir.

286

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Stealing the lead off the roof.


Come saddle my milk white steed,

I've seen much more than I need,

And I know that you won't heed the call,

So I've sprayed it onto the wall,

Thy damnation slumbereth not.


s

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Creative Death.

More than a month and nothing AT ALL to say. I am getting married in a little over a week so to be fair I have been a little pre-occupied. Also I have put a baby in my fiance, WITH MY COCK. How clever am I? Do I win the battleship? Nothing else to report.

So, instead a quick aside from when I worked at a hospital and had to organise body parts for collection by students. This is fun when someone fiddles idly with a package on your desk whilst talking to you.

"So what is this anyway"
"An amputated knee joint"
"I see"
"Thanks for touching my bone"

And so forth.

And ALL my colleagues looked like this.

They would bring them out from surgery in bio bags and they are good to keep you hands warm on a cold winter's day.

282

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

And who the HELL are you?

Bosky has a new friend.

It lives in the mirror in our bedroom, and no matter how much she encourages it, won't come out to play. She finds this massively confusing, and keeps running into the bathroom that backs on to the mirror and finds it even more confusing that the strange dog isn't there either. It takes several trips back and forth to confirm this.

She can spend some time in front of the mirror making increasingly agitated noises.
It clearly doesn't help her addled canine mind that we are in BOTH the room with her and the mysterious other room AT THE SAME TIME.

However it could just be that she is extremely vain and keeps popping to the bathroom to spruce up.

272

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Train Train!

Coming drive me round the bend.

What IS IT with train announcers. It's all very well telling me there is a quiet carriage where WE SHOULD KEEP NOISE TO A MINIMUM. But if you point this out loudly and at great length* at EVERY STOP it kind of negates the concept of having one.

*seriously 2 full minutes of drivel about safety cards, familiarize yourself with layout, available in Braille, snack carriages, station stops, STATION STOPS?!, the full list of station stops, quiet carriage location, smoking is banned ad nauseam. ect ect.

Is this a bet?

It never used to be this way, can it all just FUCK OFF from whence it came.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Danger!

I will soon be behind the wheel of this.

What I won for a weekend in a prize draw.

They probably think I am rich and will buy one after enjoying "the ultimate driving experience" and appreciating its balance and poise. A more likely scenario, is that the combination of my complete lack of driving ability, and very powerful car will result in it getting wrapped around a tree in a matter of seconds.

Get in!

271

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Booooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrring!

I dreamt I had a small spot last night. That's it. That is the most half arsed pathetic thing ever.

I am having a blog breakdown so for everyone who has visited recently, here are some pictures featuring gummy children who have fallen through a timewarp from the 1970's, and selected people I actually quite like.

Caro & Ella

smahlady & smahgirl

Beardo looking rugged

All Ladies.

Boy in a box


Chris & Tina's tame monkey



Sethers - I failed utterly to get any of you or the two ladies - quick send me some.

Do I win the battleship? 269

Monday, February 04, 2008

Have you any idea?


How long I spent scooping faecal matter out and putting it in the bin before I was shown the error of my ways.

New Addition!


Check me out!
My name is Bosky/Pickle/Bubble/Pepper/Toffee/Biscuit/ etc etc etc and I am 7 and a half weeks old

265

Monday, January 14, 2008

It's Davos time again.


Davos, say smahman, is so unspeakably sordid it make me shudder.

Oh how I love this time of year.

262

Monday, December 17, 2007

Ever Noticed?

Kids start asking questions about the existence of Father Christmas and God at the same sort of time. About the age when they start to think rationally, although this could just be co-incidence.

"sit on my lap little one"
Now I am not a cruel man, so I lied to Junior when she asked.

I didn't have the heart to say, "no sweetie, there is no man with super powers who comes down from the sky to reward our good behaviour. All we get are the gifts we as humans give to each other, from decency and love". She will work it out herself in time.
Can you guess which one I was talking about - tricky isn't it?
254

Monday, December 03, 2007

A sad sad day.


After 10 years I had to get rid of this, the best car I ever had.
Never mind that the stereo was stolen years ago and never replaced.
Never mind that the speedo showed half the speed you were doing in kilometres an hour.
Never mind the interesting bangs from the back.
Never mind the dents and dings, (this is the good side believe me).
Never mind that the left door doesn't fit quite right, that the roof is a different colour and took a beating when that tree fell on it.
I will miss this motor.

For 200 bar Lee got himself a BARGAIN.

I should have put my foot down. Does junior really need a seat belt and/or seat in the back?

252

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Cool - but not that cool.

This is the tree at the end of my road.

Check it check it! The streetlamp has created it's own tiny microclimate and its warmth has let a few select leaves enjoy an extended autumn. Poor leaves, harsh winds are coming and their days are numbered.

A wide shot in case you didn't believe me.

249

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

It's time to start RUNNING!

Has anyone seen THIS? It has been accused of being voyeuristic, abusive and immoral blah blah etc etc. For me it doesn't go far enough. Why has no-one commissioned "Hunting Fat Kids". Teary strops will never be as entertaining as sheer blind terror. Plus it would help them lose weight. As long as we use less than two dogs it would be nice and legal.

"On your marks tubby!"

Whilst we are at it, can anyone explain why these shows have yet to be made?

"Monkey Tennis" - Alan Partridge did have SOME good ideas.

"The Stocks Market" - Criminal chavs are held before a kangaroo court, and then put in the stocks in a marketplace for a day.

"Top 10 Nazi Sharks From Hell" - I see Channel 5 for this one.

"Changing Rooms" - ditto, just think about it.

"Celebrity Auschwitz" Given time, this will actually happen. Vanessa Feltz to win.

"Is your house where you live?" - LOSER!

"The Ex Factor" - Idiots on ITV bitch incoherently about former partners.

"Penal Corectitude" - Lifers compete to win their freedom, a penis enlargement and a career in porn.

"Saturday Night, Takeaway Ant and Dec" - Please

"What's Up Doc?" - Unqualified imbecilic idiots argue with the editor of the Lancet and head of the BMA as to why they should be allowed to become a surgeon. The most obnoxious and stupid carries out a live televised triple bypass.

"Great Undertakings" - Winner deals with the inevitable results of the above.

248


Monday, November 05, 2007

Welcome to my grim urban hell


Sunrise from the kitchen.

Fog on the Hills

Early morning in West Malvern

Oooh how I miss London.

246

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Bullseye!


There is really nothing I can add to this.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Guess who is coming to dinner?


I dreamt I was over at the White Stripes' house for tea. We had pasta and red pesto and raspberries and cream. Meg had Raspberry Ripple. You have NO IDEA how disappointed I was to discover it wasn't real.
Q. What do Paul McCartney and Axl Rose have for pudding?
A. Lemon Meringue Pie.
It's funnier when Josie does it.
Still 244

Monday, October 29, 2007

UPDATE!

And immediately the record is smashed. One girl on phone 2 days later achieved 19 in a minute, averaging just under 1 "Like" every 3 seconds.

This may become a hobby of mine.

244

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Like Linguistics

Two teenage girls sat next to me on the train jabbering away. As I have nothing better to do I slyly glance at my watch and have a little listen.
In 5 minutes they managed to say the world "Like" 49 times. What a great substitute for language! That's one "Like" every six seconds. Yes, I know I am a geek.
These two pleasant but slightly vacuous lasses are however infinitely preferable to the feral bunch of bastards that kicked lady smahman's wing mirrors off the other night.
241

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Good Work Cover Artist!

I just read this.

It is a tale of human strength and resistance. Set in an unknown Northern village, it tells how, despite the oppression of an un-named invading force, the spirit can never be fully crushed from the beaten inhabitants. People endure, permanently and with dignity.*
They handed this brief over to the illustrator who thought, "hmm how can I best represent that?" Thankfully he didn't make this work from Nobel Laureate John Steinbeck come across as a cheap tawdry potboiler.
239
* Yes I know it was written in '42 and as such predates the Nobel prize, and is also anti Nazi propaganda. But let's be clear, he casts his net wider than that and is careful not to explicity mention who the two sides actually are, thus making a bigger, longer lasting point about humanity. No Cannery Row to be sure, but still pretty good.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Train a Coming!

Reading the economist on the train this morning, I drifted off to sleep. It has that sort of effect. I woke a bit later in the middle of a dream about buying a lovely house, to discover I had an erection. I must becoming some kind of capitalist whore.

Unfortunately it was fairly apparent through my trousers, just hope I didn't mumble anything about damp proofing in my sleep. Or extensions.

235

Monday, September 10, 2007

I bite my fist.



Went to look round a house the other day, and the rather elderly lady estate agent kept refering to cupboards and suchlike as Glory Holes. Let me say for the record RIGHT NOW, I will not and shall not have such things in my house. I would never be able to get searlyeditor to leave.

N.B. You have to be the cliche yet again my friend, being by some margin, the gayest (and filthiest) person I know*.

*I can't BELIEVE Matt didn't know.